30 in 30 2016: #9 and #10

#9 Schrodinger’s Best Side

I never really listened for them,
but both the best and worst of myself
are somewhere inside me.
They take turns making my decisions,
but if I never take the time to actually listen
I can’t tell who steered me wrong.

There are times when I feel
like I’m brave enough, but
I usually find myself jumping
onto the nearest distraction
to keep me occupied long enough
to no longer be interested in whatever
I felt coming up from inside me.

This isn’t every day,
This is the odd moment remembered.
This is mispronouncing words in front of the whole 6th grade class
and not realizing it until years later, those polite assholes all just stared.
This is the a part of me that did all the right things and relaxed his way to glory.
This is the time I couldn’t remember what it was to be strong enough
to say no or all the times it was a misunderstanding of what brave was
that made me say yes.
They all live in the volume of my self-doubt

I listen to the better self inside my head
as often as I can hear it speaking.
In my moments of desperation,
it’s my better self I pray to:
Show me strength, better me,
Show me the way out of this, better me,
Show me how I’m supposed to deal with all of this, better me.

I’ve become  practiced at hearing the chorus of quiet
with the subtle ticks and hums
barely above silence that’s almost never there.
Those are small moments in a life
constantly moving by the sea.

#10 The tingle of her gaze

I had grown so tired of missing their brightness. 
The way the whites rarely peaked out around 
the bronze chocolate swirls in your eyes. 
They hid behind the creep of exhaustion 
and too much of traffic for any one soul. 

I could see the way you were just 
holding it all together by hiding 
the soft whites of your eyes.

You wanted to bounce 
open spilling their wholeness 
they held the moment our door closed,
but you’d forgotten how.

We have spent years trying 
to work distance and sleep 
and work and joy into 
a view of the horizon 
with an outline of our future.

I have seen the timid parts of your eyes 
peeking out from safe corners 
created by a tomorrow of maybe possibility.
Their luminosity begins to caress
the tension from my shoulders.

I look for those parts whenever I get home.
I can see your whole day and our whole night
in the shine in your eyes. 
I can feel myself getting lighter 
in the shine they bring to your face.