30 in 30: #16 Loneliness as a defense, #17 Living in a generation of lost children, #18 Learning to be forgotten (slow fade)

#16 Loneliness as a defense

There are days when staying away from the world
is the best way for me to feel comfortable in it.
If I’m surrounded by no one,
then no one gets to leave.
If I can finish arguing with the thoughts
in my head long enough to listen to what
I’m actually trying to tell myself,
I’d be able to find relief in my self.
There can be comfort in the sound
of your internal voice thinking
through your solitude.

I’ve gotten skilled at hiding frustration in my voice.
I use up all my bubbling personality before I leave at 5.

Staying in just let’s the rest of the people
get out ahead of me while I’m at home.
It’s been a while since I last dove
head first into weeknight sociability
and all I can remember from that
is struggling to the surface for air.
Loneliness is only a problem
when you can’t feel the end of it.
____________________________

#17 Living in a generation of lost children

There was a time just before we all got here
when the world felt freshly pink and innocent,
born into a new century with 100 years of possibility
waiting to be taken advantage of by our generation.

Raised on the bittersweet taste of a comforting lie,
about everything being okay in the end if we only
follow this step by step process to reach your dreams.
Get out ahead of the rest by doing
what we’re telling everyone to do.
You can stand out just by going through the motions
and letting yourself be seen the way we tell you.

It’s a lie based on a world that
self destructed itself on a pile
of big money ambition.
When we arrived all that was left for us
were the scraps that were still cooling
and nothing was safe enough to touch.

The press of technology’s advance
makes our best efforts less than expected,
shows us just how much more we need
to push to stand out in the crowd.

Living in a world of GPS locators and instant directions,
we never really felt like we found the right way.
We’ve polite smiled my way through a world of advice
from people who have never lived in the world
we’ve been left with.

Our voice of dissatisfaction is heard
as the spoiled cries of a solipsist generation,
labelled that way by the people
that made themselves famous with
never believing they’d had their share.

It’s been a constant test to see
if you can limp by forever
without making it worse.
____________________________

#18 Learning to be forgotten (slow fade)

Take each day in deep gulping breaths
and slow drain exhales.
It’s easier to be remembered
than it is to be forgotten.
Every embarrassment, and bad choice
blazes away as a memory that refuses
to give up on itself.
The missteps you took, and the ground
they laid for settling into you
for the long haul.

It’s when you’re letting go
of the long term bad ideas
that you need to be practiced.
It feels necessary for survival,
even if it feels like donating
a pound of flesh to an idea
you were never sold on.
Letting go despite everything you want.
Put off learning this particular skill
until long after you should have known better.
It’s best to be avoided.
Let this be the last thing you ever become good at.