Mazes and Monsters: I watched it so you don't have to

This was that one time that Tom Hanks made a movie about how playing tabletop role playing games will naturally lead to live action role playing which leads to losing your mind and soul to the devil, worshiping false gods, and being an enormous disappointment to your parents who are themselves struggling with their own marriage because of your role playing. Yeah you remember that one. It was right after his hit show Bosom Buddies launched him into super stardom, but before anyone was actually paying attention to him. I watched this movie so you won't have to. You're welcome.

This made for TV movie came out in 1982, during the height of one of those generational misunderstandings that happen. Parents see their kids doing things they don't understand and/or don't like that their kids do. "I never did that sort of thing when I was a teen. They must not have learned it from me. The media is to blame!" Rap music hadn't taken hold yet and heavy metal was still young, so Dungeons and Dragons wound up in the cross-hairs of the misguided parental fears of youthful change. Day time talk shows were filled with people from middle america willing to tell the world that when they played Dungeons and Dragons they hadn't realized it was really a way to worship the devil until the devil was upon them.

The story follows a group of college kids who are returning to school. All of whom have unhappy lives at home, as shown in the various opening scenes where these deeply troubled youths come from broken homes or homes where there parents are trying to be supportive of their child whom they are openly and deeply disappointed in. Then of course Mr Hanks comes in to play Robbie Wheeling. We first see him being driven to school by his parents. Both of whom are lecturing Robbie on his addiction to Mazes and Monsters. Apparently Robbie had been kicked out of numerous schools because he played Mazes and Monsters so much. Robbie is of course dismissive of his parents stern lecturing. He promises he will stay away from the games and stick to studying, but with Mr Hanks stellar performance we can clearly see his heart is not in the promise he is making to his parents.

Upon arriving at school Robbie meets a pretty girl at party who peer pressures him into playing Mazes and Monsters with her group when she finds out he has a high level character that everyone in the group is thoroughly impressed with. Robbie relents despite his parents warnings, because the girl has boobs and who is Robbie to argue with that.

They begin to game and everything is great. Robbie is gaming more than ever, spending time with his new girlfriend, things are going so great for Robbie he decides to take the next step: ask his girlfriend to move into his dorm room with him. This scene plays out when Robbie has her close her eyes shows her into his dorm room and reveals that he had purchased a double bed. *GASP* It's all so sudden she is overwhelmed and turns him down. Thanks for Mr Hanks' stellar acting, we see this rejection crack Robbie's already delicate psyche

Shortly thereafter during a live action version of Mazes and Monsters, Robbie loses his grip on reality and believes he is his character and goes insane. I can't even force myself to bother with the details of this. The over the top detective character who knows the dangers of games like Mazes and Monsters, the awkward scenes where Robbie wakes up from terrifying dreams of lizard men, his girlfriend moving on to another man to show she never truly cared for Robbie in the first place, the way the other role players try to hide that they were involved with gaming and hanging out with Robbie after he disappears, are all over the top examples of the jacked up morality that went into the writing of this movie; which also do a fine job of making it nearly impossible to force yourself to watch the movie in its entirety.

It's hard to even get angry about this movie, or the misguided writers of the TV movie, or the original book for that matter (because it was clearly so good the first time it was written down someone decided it needed to be transferred to a visual media). The whole thing comes off the same way it does when someones grandparent try to explain their new computer to you, or a 5 year old explains how their plastic telephone works to call the various muppets; like someone who doesn't really have any idea what they are talking about but is positive they have a firm grasp on the entire situation.

This is what Christian's in 1982 actually believed:

If you're looking for an after-school special to watch the next time you're too drunk to find daytime television or need to remind yourself just how far Mr Hanks has come in his career, then this movie is for you. I'd also like to say that if you were alive in America in 1982 this movie is somehow partly your fault. You should be ashamed of yourself.