Every time I go looking for work, I inevitably go for the first job that is offered to me. This is a terrible way to pick your place of employment. It leads to an inevitable feeling of not belonging there. The novelty of income wears thin when you are someplace you don't want to be. It isn't that you don't like the place necessarily, but more along the lines of not feeling engaged by the work.
Any time I go looking for work, I have visions of some close to perfect job just landing in my lap. Some high-paying job I could get that would relieve the stresses in my life. That job does not exist in the real world though (at least not yet...), so I end up crawling through the muck of craigslist ads with bad spelling, high standards, and poor wages for anyone who isn't trying to become a salesman.
I remember dreaming of becoming a teacher some day. Then the crushing world of academia reared it's hideous beastie face at me and I lost interest in it a bit too late in the game to change things up while I was at college. I embrace my love of the dying medium of books and their wordfulness. I'm adjusting my dreams to the new world in which I do not what to be broken by the standardized test teaching nonsense of most public schools these days.
So what's it mean when you lose a dream. You have to find another one obviously. That part I haven't figured out yet. I don't know where my dream career is and given the prospects being offered by the internet's go to junk pile. Still, I think it's time I tried to figure out what the next dream is gonna be.
-AB
Friday, June 14, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
BUELLMAGGEDON!
Buellmaggedon came and went. California survived having the full weight of awesomeness from two people with Buell DNA within it's borders. My little sister came out to visit two weeks ago.When I say little I mean a 26 year old sister. I have not seen any of my family in over a year. It was wonderful to spend time with her and start to show her some of the things that I have fallen in love with in California. The last time she had come to visit, I didn't know the area well enough at all to really show her around. Plus I had to work the entire time. This trip I had the entire week with her. I got to re-experience my favorite things in California with someone who was experiencing them for the first time.
We spent the week over-indulging in everything. Lots of trips to the candy store and as much delicious food as we could find. I was sad to see her go, but the whole trip had left an overall feeling of renewed love for where I am in my life. Her being here also got me thinking a lot about the past. A re-evaluation of how I became who I am and if that's who I want to be going forward through the rest of my life.
Very little of what I learned in college was useful outside of college, but there were a few noted exceptions. One of those exceptions my class on the bible as a literary text. Specifically the lecture on the book of Revelations. The professor stressed from the onset that Revelations is apocalyptic writing; which is not to be confused with writing about THE Apocalypse. Apocalyptic writing is about how societies crumble and are reborn. It is the cycle of destruction and rebirth. It isn't the end of life, it is life.
I find that same cyclical pattern happening all around me. It as a cycle that I, and probably most people, have to go through. The loss of who you were and rediscovery of who you are. There are a lot of things that can trigger one of these sort of things in my life: the waxing and waning of that feeling of potential in myself, a broken heart, losing my job, losing a friend, etc. I can see it in my writing. I look back at past poems and journal entries and I can see the cycles playing out.
Since my sister's visit, I have felt like I'm on the upswing out of a mentally destructive period. I can see how much confidence I had been lacking in my own ideas and understandings of what I am living. I'm in the beginning of a rebuilding cycle. I am not sure what I'm building just yet, but I feel like something is boiling up inside my brain's guts and is going to find a way out of my head sooner or later.
We spent the week over-indulging in everything. Lots of trips to the candy store and as much delicious food as we could find. I was sad to see her go, but the whole trip had left an overall feeling of renewed love for where I am in my life. Her being here also got me thinking a lot about the past. A re-evaluation of how I became who I am and if that's who I want to be going forward through the rest of my life.
Very little of what I learned in college was useful outside of college, but there were a few noted exceptions. One of those exceptions my class on the bible as a literary text. Specifically the lecture on the book of Revelations. The professor stressed from the onset that Revelations is apocalyptic writing; which is not to be confused with writing about THE Apocalypse. Apocalyptic writing is about how societies crumble and are reborn. It is the cycle of destruction and rebirth. It isn't the end of life, it is life.
I find that same cyclical pattern happening all around me. It as a cycle that I, and probably most people, have to go through. The loss of who you were and rediscovery of who you are. There are a lot of things that can trigger one of these sort of things in my life: the waxing and waning of that feeling of potential in myself, a broken heart, losing my job, losing a friend, etc. I can see it in my writing. I look back at past poems and journal entries and I can see the cycles playing out.
Since my sister's visit, I have felt like I'm on the upswing out of a mentally destructive period. I can see how much confidence I had been lacking in my own ideas and understandings of what I am living. I'm in the beginning of a rebuilding cycle. I am not sure what I'm building just yet, but I feel like something is boiling up inside my brain's guts and is going to find a way out of my head sooner or later.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Seasick is Lovesick's Wavy Cousin
Seasick is Lovesick’s Wavy Cousin
 |
A Storybook Poem by Andy "Ocean in my Beard" Buell
Illustrations by Tom "Sassy Sailor" Dewing
|
 | ||||
Out later than he should have been,
a nervous sailor gets caught in a storm of night lightning. As the angry waves threatened to steal his vessel as a trophy for the lonely ocean floor,
|
 |
She opened her chest, placed her own saltwater pump into the sailor's bottle, floated it back to him, The bubble-tears she wiped from her eyes carried it up to the surface. |
 |
The sailor
plucked it from the waves,
and felt her salt-water rhythm as the winds changed and the ocean guided him to shore. |
 |
| Safely to port, salt-water pumping in his veins, the sailor wrote thank you notes to the mermaid for returning him home. |
 |
With sand between his toes,
he sent out fleets of these
messages in Mermaidese,
filled with hope that someday
he can thank her in person,
when they've learned
to breathe the same atmosphere
|
The End
What I learned during 30 in 30.
Every year during National Poetry Writing Month (April) I try to challenge myself to write 30 poems in 30 days. This was the first year I was able to complete them on time, without haiku-ing my way to 30 "poems". There are a lot of people who make a habit of posting what they write onto social media websites. I am not that brave with my words. This year I tried to see it more as an experience in understanding how to refine my own process of writing more than a social occasion.
In years past I've tried to share everything and felt a weird pressure to write something great the first time. I am not good at great the first time. This year I tried to think of it more like a lot of first drafts coming out however they are. I tried to move out of my comfort zones and really push through the work until the idea was complete, even though none of the poems would be. Just in thinking of them as first drafts to be fixed at a later date made it easier to get the poems written. No one should expect perfection out of their first draft.
I'm hoping to take that same attitude towards the blog this year. Instead of spending five months not giving it any time because I don't feel I've got something worth hearing in me, I'll take more time saying whatever it is I'm going to say. If I let my draft's goal be completing the idea, then I'll be able to complete the work when I go back to reflect on the idea.
Planned posts on the horizon: Buellmageddon and how to survive it, Getting lost on my commute to work, and more than a few poetry posts?
In years past I've tried to share everything and felt a weird pressure to write something great the first time. I am not good at great the first time. This year I tried to think of it more like a lot of first drafts coming out however they are. I tried to move out of my comfort zones and really push through the work until the idea was complete, even though none of the poems would be. Just in thinking of them as first drafts to be fixed at a later date made it easier to get the poems written. No one should expect perfection out of their first draft.
I'm hoping to take that same attitude towards the blog this year. Instead of spending five months not giving it any time because I don't feel I've got something worth hearing in me, I'll take more time saying whatever it is I'm going to say. If I let my draft's goal be completing the idea, then I'll be able to complete the work when I go back to reflect on the idea.
Planned posts on the horizon: Buellmageddon and how to survive it, Getting lost on my commute to work, and more than a few poetry posts?
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Finding Christmas Traditions
The Christmas season has come and gone for another year. Once again I've spent days leading up to Christmas waiting for the spirit of the season to take hold of me. I read about Christmas traditions families have and hear all about couples having problems creating a Christmas experience that they both feels captures that feeling they had growing up with their families. Something about the season that is brings up sentimental feelings and memories of past Christmas joys. People have events they they look forward to each year: trimming the tree, exchanging gifts with family members, having a certain kind of food that is only made at Christmas, writing Santa your wish list(or the Christmas Pig if you were a Buell), opening gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, and making your loved ones feel the love that you have for them.
When I was younger, I was blissfully unaware of what was going on behind the scenes to make Christmas happen..
The more I found out what actually went into making Christmas happen in my family, the less I felt a connection to it. It didn't take long before my Christmas season completely lost whatever it had contained when I was a kid. I had written many Christmas lists at the request of my parents only for it to inevitably be ignored, if they even remembered to get me gifts, regardless of how easy I made it for them. The tradition of the Christmas day let down and apology. It was lucky if the tree was up and decorated before Christmas morning at 3 AM. A tradition of losing ornaments to the bleary eyes of sleep deprivation and poor planning. My siblings and I never really got gifts for each other, because by the time any of us had any extra money to spend we'd already scattered off to college or a new city so it never came up. A tradition of being broke-ass kids and harboring animosity towards one another.
There was always a tradition of having a meal with my extended family. I never liked it as a kid and the older I got the more it became clear that no one in my family enjoyed it. Every year I'd get dragged to the home of my aunt and uncle to eat a meal prepared by people without a sense of taste or possibly just an unrelenting passion for exceptionally bland food. I was given a new piggy bank every year for most of my youth with no clear explanation other than: "you've got a piggy banks so we got you a new one this year;" which translates to "We gave you a bunch of banks, so now you have a collection so we'll continue to assume you want a new one for every Christmas and birthday you have with us." Eventually someone from my extended family suggested a Yankee swap gift exchange, so gifts became even more generic and terrible. This was where my extended family re-gifted the unwanted gifts they got from office parties and friends. This gift exchange became a tradition that I was never invited to, or was told about but then after purchasing a gift for it find out they decided to have the gift exchange that morning while my family wasn't there instead. To top all of this off my family and my extended family have been butting heads over every family gathering for years. The extended family does what they can to exclude my family from anything they may be doing. Frequently not even letting my family know that they are in town until they've been there a few days. I could go on about inappropriate comments blamed on too much holiday drinking by kind-hearted spouses and hours of sitting on the couch waiting for a ride home. This was always accompanied by a hope that I wouldn't have to converse with any of my inebriated relatives.
Through all of this I saw nothing among the traditions of my family that I wanted to continue on without them. Trying to recreate any of them doesn't feel like it'd help me get that Christmas spirit back all of a sudden either.
This year I don't like that I feel that way. I want to have Christmas traditions that I can enjoy for years. I want to feel the season in my guts not have to double check a calendar to see when the actual day is going to be. I don't even know how one starts a tradition. Doing something once with the promise to do it again the following year seems like it has a high probability of not becoming a tradition for the following year.
This year I finally started working on a new tradition. This year being an unemployed Christmas, I had to set the bar low for new traditions. I came up with the holiday lights hunt. In the evening, going for a walk to find a certain # of houses with Christmas lights. Can only count houses you walk past, can't go down the same street until you've reached your #, can't count houses you pass everyday already. This is the start of a tradition. I think having some sort of warm alcoholic drink would improve the tradition (eggnog with bourbon, mulled wine, etc). I feel like this is a step towards creating that Christmas feeling I used to have when I was a kid. I'm not sure if it will work, but I'm tired of having a tradition-less holiday season.
When I was younger, I was blissfully unaware of what was going on behind the scenes to make Christmas happen..
The more I found out what actually went into making Christmas happen in my family, the less I felt a connection to it. It didn't take long before my Christmas season completely lost whatever it had contained when I was a kid. I had written many Christmas lists at the request of my parents only for it to inevitably be ignored, if they even remembered to get me gifts, regardless of how easy I made it for them. The tradition of the Christmas day let down and apology. It was lucky if the tree was up and decorated before Christmas morning at 3 AM. A tradition of losing ornaments to the bleary eyes of sleep deprivation and poor planning. My siblings and I never really got gifts for each other, because by the time any of us had any extra money to spend we'd already scattered off to college or a new city so it never came up. A tradition of being broke-ass kids and harboring animosity towards one another.
There was always a tradition of having a meal with my extended family. I never liked it as a kid and the older I got the more it became clear that no one in my family enjoyed it. Every year I'd get dragged to the home of my aunt and uncle to eat a meal prepared by people without a sense of taste or possibly just an unrelenting passion for exceptionally bland food. I was given a new piggy bank every year for most of my youth with no clear explanation other than: "you've got a piggy banks so we got you a new one this year;" which translates to "We gave you a bunch of banks, so now you have a collection so we'll continue to assume you want a new one for every Christmas and birthday you have with us." Eventually someone from my extended family suggested a Yankee swap gift exchange, so gifts became even more generic and terrible. This was where my extended family re-gifted the unwanted gifts they got from office parties and friends. This gift exchange became a tradition that I was never invited to, or was told about but then after purchasing a gift for it find out they decided to have the gift exchange that morning while my family wasn't there instead. To top all of this off my family and my extended family have been butting heads over every family gathering for years. The extended family does what they can to exclude my family from anything they may be doing. Frequently not even letting my family know that they are in town until they've been there a few days. I could go on about inappropriate comments blamed on too much holiday drinking by kind-hearted spouses and hours of sitting on the couch waiting for a ride home. This was always accompanied by a hope that I wouldn't have to converse with any of my inebriated relatives.
Through all of this I saw nothing among the traditions of my family that I wanted to continue on without them. Trying to recreate any of them doesn't feel like it'd help me get that Christmas spirit back all of a sudden either.
This year I don't like that I feel that way. I want to have Christmas traditions that I can enjoy for years. I want to feel the season in my guts not have to double check a calendar to see when the actual day is going to be. I don't even know how one starts a tradition. Doing something once with the promise to do it again the following year seems like it has a high probability of not becoming a tradition for the following year.
This year I finally started working on a new tradition. This year being an unemployed Christmas, I had to set the bar low for new traditions. I came up with the holiday lights hunt. In the evening, going for a walk to find a certain # of houses with Christmas lights. Can only count houses you walk past, can't go down the same street until you've reached your #, can't count houses you pass everyday already. This is the start of a tradition. I think having some sort of warm alcoholic drink would improve the tradition (eggnog with bourbon, mulled wine, etc). I feel like this is a step towards creating that Christmas feeling I used to have when I was a kid. I'm not sure if it will work, but I'm tired of having a tradition-less holiday season.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wordiness to the Rescue
I've thought before about how the degree I pursued in college didn't really prepare me for a lucrative career after graduation. It didn't do much of anything for me except cause me to collect a lot of books that I have to haul with me whenever I move and give me a habit of wordy explanations to up the word count of essays I had to write years ago. At least those were my thoughts about it when I was extra broke and feeling glum. Yet in that moment my essay wordiness saved the day.
How did it do that you may ask? Well at the end of any given college semester there will always be a few students who have more money than they should and less of a work ethic than they should. So at the end of every semester I plaster craigslist with an ad for inexpensive essay writing. It doesn't always work, but every now and then I'll find somebody who will decide they like my prices enough that they'll buy their way through the end of the semester. Thank greatness for their weak moral fiber.
This year I was lucky enough to find a few of those folks who let their parents fatten my wallet. I enjoy it more than I should really. It reminds me of the countless late nights of wide awake essay writing, or in at least one case 45 minutes before the final essay was due to be turned in without exception. I enjoy forming an essay and trying to push the page count over whatever the minimum count is for the assignment.
I like to try to research as much as I can with google on whoever it is that is actually asking me to write something for them. It helps me figure out how likely they are to try to screw me out of my payment and if they do how I can get my payment out of them, i.e. contacting their professor or school or even just writing a blog post with all our emails on them. I feel like I shouldn't talk about the specifics of the essay or the students that most recent hired me, since they paid me on time. They also didn't try to bargain with my completely reasonable prices either. Given the school they are attending I imagine it is more a case of my reasonable prices seem super cheap to them. It wasn't difficult to figure out what school they were attending, and wouldn't have been even if they hadn't inadvertently provided me with the name of the professor and the title of the course. I just like to feel comfortable with my leverage in the situation, so I won't have to worry about getting paid.
Since I left college, I've gone through the whole range of regret and resolution over my choice of major. I have a habit of seeing the worst parts about my choices sometimes. It's nice to be reminded of the good parts about them sometimes. That extra little boost helps to get me through this rainy winter that has taken over Long Beach as of late.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Rewriting a poem
I have a thing where I tend spew out a bunch of words for a poem because I like the way they sound more than they convey the idea I'm trying to get at. I can never edit my own poems very well until I've ignored them for a while. Usually the longer I ignore it the easier it is to decide whether it can be saved or not. If weeks later I can see something there that I really like, or is worth trying to say the same the same thing a different way, I will put some effort into the rewrite.
I've always wanted to describe my ideas behind editing things. What better way to do that than to use something of my own that I edited. Ladies and Gentleman I give you Champagne Song the OG version:
Safely tucked away alone at home
the fog filled ocean breeze
carries a whispered song into me.
It may not be a siren’s song
but I feet a lesser lure
draw me closer to the coast.
There, among the dense
swirling mist of a chilled morning,
I find the neck of an emptied
champagne bottle caught
in a tangle of mermaid hair seaweed.
The whispered song drifts
from its mouth as the
wind drags itself
over the opening.
Inside a wild iris,
with its soft purple petals,
rests at the bottom
guiding the tune
the wind plays off the lips
of the of the bottle.
Checking to see that I am alone
on the fog drenched beach,
I lift the bottle from
its nest of mermaid locks.
Hold it to my ear
trying to hear the words
to unlock all the secrets
it wants to confess.
The sun melts the fog
revealing the empty bottle
laden coastline before me.
The wild iris blinks
in the sunlight
and a wind picks up
the collective wailing song
of so many other lost empties.
Losing the wild iris words
in this melodic drone,
I whisper my own secrets
to the flower’s delicate petals.
Only to hear my words
drowned out in the static of waves.
I sit, still alone, among
everyone else’s discarded empties.
and my own lost voice.
Where to begin? What don't I like about it? Start with the things you don't like about it:
Well I wrote this back during my time doing the Dirty Dozen workshop. At the time I was really interested in creating a very narrative story in my poems. I would get this images in my head and want to walk through them. I think a lot of them had really forced beginnings because I felt like I needed to justify the presence of the image by giving it a location and introducing myself as someone walking into the image. I don't like the way it turns out usually. This poem is no exception. The beginning has got to go.
The interesting part is the wild iris, not the speaker sitting around and eventually going to find it. I get too narrative in this poem, creating a scene to justify each image. This is not something that is bad in and of itself, but doing this too much will lead to watering down the metaphors. The images get lost in the narrative.
The reaction to the song is also something I want to keep. It ties it together. Creates and event and a reaction; which is the essential idea in the first one except it gets lost in the retelling of the event. The event needs to be happening in a more present sense of experiencing not retelling. Kurt Vonnegut said that you shouldn't ever have a sentence in your story that doesn't either reveal character or advance the plot. Get to the point and bare your soul from the get go.
Okay so that's what I had in mind before I rewrote the poem. I wanted to capture the main idea and the imagery, but without getting lost in the narrative. I wanted it to be an evocation of the experience, not a story about what it felt like to feel that.
Version 2
In the still movements of
a foggy morning at the beach,
a wild iris sits in a tangle of mermaid hair
composing a song for the drifting wind.
I settle in,
mesmerized by the gesticulating flower.
Its movements remind me
of wishes I made years ago.
The wild iris blinks
and fog melts off the coastline
revealing a glass orchestra
of champagne bottles.
Wind drifts through
the soft purple petals
playing an off-key opera
I wish I remembered loving already.
The lyrics are deja vu
on the tip of my tongue.
The song fills my head
as the wind dies out and the fog rolls back in.
I want whisper my own secrets
as lyrics to the winking iris,
but I my voice is enough
in the repetitious static
of fog and waves.
So that's it. That's what I got from leaving my poem alone for weeks and then finally getting back to it. I like the new poem more. This poem will probably go through more editing before I'm done with it, but that won't be for a while I don't think. I'll post any updates to it.
I've always wanted to describe my ideas behind editing things. What better way to do that than to use something of my own that I edited. Ladies and Gentleman I give you Champagne Song the OG version:
Safely tucked away alone at home
the fog filled ocean breeze
carries a whispered song into me.
It may not be a siren’s song
but I feet a lesser lure
draw me closer to the coast.
There, among the dense
swirling mist of a chilled morning,
I find the neck of an emptied
champagne bottle caught
in a tangle of mermaid hair seaweed.
The whispered song drifts
from its mouth as the
wind drags itself
over the opening.
Inside a wild iris,
with its soft purple petals,
rests at the bottom
guiding the tune
the wind plays off the lips
of the of the bottle.
Checking to see that I am alone
on the fog drenched beach,
I lift the bottle from
its nest of mermaid locks.
Hold it to my ear
trying to hear the words
to unlock all the secrets
it wants to confess.
The sun melts the fog
revealing the empty bottle
laden coastline before me.
The wild iris blinks
in the sunlight
and a wind picks up
the collective wailing song
of so many other lost empties.
Losing the wild iris words
in this melodic drone,
I whisper my own secrets
to the flower’s delicate petals.
Only to hear my words
drowned out in the static of waves.
I sit, still alone, among
everyone else’s discarded empties.
and my own lost voice.
Where to begin? What don't I like about it? Start with the things you don't like about it:
Well I wrote this back during my time doing the Dirty Dozen workshop. At the time I was really interested in creating a very narrative story in my poems. I would get this images in my head and want to walk through them. I think a lot of them had really forced beginnings because I felt like I needed to justify the presence of the image by giving it a location and introducing myself as someone walking into the image. I don't like the way it turns out usually. This poem is no exception. The beginning has got to go.
The interesting part is the wild iris, not the speaker sitting around and eventually going to find it. I get too narrative in this poem, creating a scene to justify each image. This is not something that is bad in and of itself, but doing this too much will lead to watering down the metaphors. The images get lost in the narrative.
The reaction to the song is also something I want to keep. It ties it together. Creates and event and a reaction; which is the essential idea in the first one except it gets lost in the retelling of the event. The event needs to be happening in a more present sense of experiencing not retelling. Kurt Vonnegut said that you shouldn't ever have a sentence in your story that doesn't either reveal character or advance the plot. Get to the point and bare your soul from the get go.
Okay so that's what I had in mind before I rewrote the poem. I wanted to capture the main idea and the imagery, but without getting lost in the narrative. I wanted it to be an evocation of the experience, not a story about what it felt like to feel that.
Version 2
In the still movements of
a foggy morning at the beach,
a wild iris sits in a tangle of mermaid hair
composing a song for the drifting wind.
I settle in,
mesmerized by the gesticulating flower.
Its movements remind me
of wishes I made years ago.
The wild iris blinks
and fog melts off the coastline
revealing a glass orchestra
of champagne bottles.
Wind drifts through
the soft purple petals
playing an off-key opera
I wish I remembered loving already.
The lyrics are deja vu
on the tip of my tongue.
The song fills my head
as the wind dies out and the fog rolls back in.
I want whisper my own secrets
as lyrics to the winking iris,
but I my voice is enough
in the repetitious static
of fog and waves.
So that's it. That's what I got from leaving my poem alone for weeks and then finally getting back to it. I like the new poem more. This poem will probably go through more editing before I'm done with it, but that won't be for a while I don't think. I'll post any updates to it.
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